viernes, 19 de julio de 2024

Canciones que cuentan una historia - Hoy: They Don't Let You in the Opera (If You Are a Country Star)

 Now, I was born down in Georgia

But Georgia wasn't good enough for me

I'd sing country songs for them

But my heart sang La Bohème

And it didn't help we moved to Tennessee

Nashville's not the place you sing high C


If you wanna sing at all

You best sing country

So I picked up how to do it pretty fast

Be a country star or go

In the sticks them hicks don't know

Verdi's Rigoletto from their ass

So a country star's how I came to pass


But I'll sing opera one day

"It's like Opry with an a"

I told my agent in his fancy car

And it pained him I could tell

When he said, "no chance in hell

They don't let you in the opera

If you're a country star"

"Is it the way I say oblighetto?"


So I took that country singing job and shoved it

And I headed to The Met at NYC

I know that stage is hard to reach

But Domingo likes a peach

You should hear that tenor voice sing rockabilly

Now I'm trying out for The Barber of Seville


When a voice booms from the house

"From those tassels on your blouse

I can tell you've got a twang and play guitar

I bet they loved you in the South

But please, don't open your mouth

We can't let you in the opera

If you're a country star

'Cause no patron trusts an opera

In the hands of a country star"


Do you think I can't wail

'Cause I got long pink fingernails?

I had to play more country songs

Just to stay afloat

Though Aida's my role

I'm in a southern pigeon hole

I sing like Maria Callas

But no one's heard a note


'Till I charmed an old blowhard

Who owns half of Juilliard

Said my singing was so beautiful he cried

And I felt my heartbeat hop

Then I heard his heartbeat stop

He said, "welcome to the opera"

And then the bastard died


Well, time went by, I gave up on the opera

Grabbed a man, got ready for a kid

Though La Scala never called

My ears still get enthralled

When I hear a great soprano blow her lid

So head up to the opera house I did


But as vibratos start to shake

I feel my water break

I'd never even make it down the aisle

If you'd have been there you'd have seen

From that second mezzanine

First a head, then two feet

From my ninety dollar seat

As I lifted up my gown

To the doctor TWO ROWS DOOOOOOOOOOWN...!


It hurts like hell

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God

Does that squish the baby?

How can it breathe?

Contraction! Contraction!

Contraction! Contraction!

My God, I paid so much for Dr. Chung

And now this

Ow! You son of a bitch!

No, thank you, I mean it

AHHHH, you fucker!

Contraction! Contraction!

Yes! I feel that!

Ow ow ow ow ow ow!

Ow ow ow ow ow!


I'm pushing

I'm pushing

Oh my God, oh my God

It's like pushing a watermelon

Through a hole the size of a lemon


Aha! Aha! Aha!

What? Well, it better be a girl!


Ahhhhh...

Ahhhhh...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa...


(spoken)

I'm so sorry about your dress!


(sung)

AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhh...!


Well, now, to my surprise

Those patrons had tears in their eyes

The New York Times review

Even raved I was all that

Found the headline bizarre

"Opera gives birth to a new star

When she was done, what fun

And a newborn in her lap"


Then the head of the trustees board

Said, "before you cut the cord

Here's an eight-year contract and some caviar

You'll start right away, my dear

We have daycare, please sign here"

Been my dream since I sang country

Now I'm an opera star


(Baby cries)


Shh, shh!

But you were the best part of the opera by far



Now a crib ain't where you're needing pearls of wisdom

But listen up before you've cried a word

When you hear no, don't get upset

It means yes, but just not yet

Fight the most when folks say you're absurd

In the end, I believe we all get heard


But if I may suggest one rule

Before I'm no longer cool

What you do ain't always who you are

So if you find your heart is set

On both Memphis and The Met

And they force you to choose

Screw 'em both, go sing the blues

Bet your ass you can sing opera

If you're a country– that's a C

Star! Hey!


Letra y música: Dan Lipton y David Rossner 


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